living in a never ending dream world. ever swirling and changing. sometimes i am in control.. most times not. just about every time i see her. a spectral image, always in white. wondering through the cemetery, floating above the ground with her red hair loosely tied back. hauntingly beautiful, pale and sad. i never approach her.... i am frightened. just when i think i am going to wake, i am there again. with her, ever present, unchanging, always sorrowful. until one day i ventured out to speak to her. terrified and trembling, i approached. her beauty was even more powerful up close. she had the porcelain features of a goddess. "have you seen them?" she pleaded as a single tear ran down her face. as i looked at her in a state of confusion, unable to utter a simple, "who?" she continued, "my children. i haven't seen them in so long. i don't know where they are or why i am here. i am beginning to forget their faces...." she broke off as she began to silently sob. in an effort to comfort her as i forgot my own confusion i said, "why don't you just go home?" her hand fell away from her face as her brow shifted into a look of concern. "home?" she said silently. "isn't this home?" amazed i said, "no. this is a cemetery. you don't live here, you are probably buried here." her look of confusion switched to total horror. "you mean i am dead too?!" she screamed as tears flooded out of her eyes. in between her mournful moaning, to my utter and complete horror, i heard her say, "i just... i just thought you were a ghost and that this was a dream!"
that was fun!! :D i hope you all have a great night! i'm off to take a little hike. i'm gonna gather some spring water that i will use to bless my garden. i also have boiled some eggs that i will use the shells for my garden as well. mmmm.. i am going to have some pirogies tonight and some crescent rolls. yum yum yum!!
so remember the little funeral that i had the other day? well the bitch it back!! lol! ya this morning i woke up to a familiar feeling.. one that i let go of on that fateful day... guilt. ya, i was really down this morning.. i felt horrible guilt for giving myself $20 to do whatever i pleased. i went and had a nice dinner with a friend. well i felt like a bag of sh*t cause of that! it's ridiculous! i know that i don't have a lot of money, but i did have $20 to use. so i did. i shouldn't hate myself for taking care of me. i realized that just about every single one of my tattoos are for other people! my recent one is for my dogs. my heart with wings is for my grandparents.. and even my fav.. my tree of life is sort of about others.. it is for me, but not really. cause i do see it as a tribute to my ancestors. so ya.. it's not 100% for me! soooo ya, i have issues doing something for me! that's not good! lol! i was thinking today that maybe i will decide on what the f- i am going to do with my quote by the middle of summer. then once i have it for sure then i will go to the tattoo shop and make an apt for my b-day in october. i think that i will give myself that gift! i think that would be freaking cool! :D see and i realize now that i am having trouble figuring it out because it's for no one but me! so that's hard for me to do. any way don't worry about my spectral old self! i have already stood up to her and i am not afraid to do it again! lol! she doesn't scare me.. i was her for 27 years after all- i know all of her tricks! i understand now that life is all about moderation. so i will give myself these little gifts, but not all the time. and when i do it i will feel no guilt! for why should one feel bad about a gift... that's just a bad gift receiver if you ask me! so i am going to go and take care of some stuff that i need to.. and then i am going to watch some tv.. or read a book... or go for a walk! whatever i will do what i want! and i wont feel bad about it! cause i killed that side of me! *mmmwwaaahhahaahhhaaaa!!!* ;) oh, and btw, i have had so much fun doing tarot for those who allowed me to! :) so i just wanna put that back out there that i am more than happy to do a reading for anyone! drop me a line and let me know if you have anything that you want answers to. :D
i leave you all with some wonderful quotes from poe- #3 & 5 are my favs!
{1} “The true genius shudders at incompleteness - and
usually prefers silence to saying something which is not everything it
should be.”
{2} “Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there,
wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to
dream before.”
{3} “Stupidity is a talent for misconception.”
{4} “Science has not yet taught us if madness is or is not the sublimity of the intelligence.”
{5} “All religion, my friend, is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry”
{6}“I wish I could write as mysterious as a cat.” -his cat's name was Catarina btw! lol!
{7} “Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them”
{8} “Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
{9} “There is an eloquence in true enthusiasm”
{10} “That pleasure which is at once the most pure, the
most elevating and the most intense, is derived, I maintain, from the
contemplation of the beautiful.”
.... and on that last one, i hope you have a beautiful day!! :D
as the rain comes down his feelings become the main attraction in his mind.
memories of the one he let go flash on the screen of his psyche.
visions of her beauty overwhelm him as he tries to rest.
sleep is the last thing his mind wants to do
as it remembers every little conversation they had
every glance he dared to steel
he could smell her now as he closed his eyes
hear her gentle laughter
and see the glimmer in her eyes as theirs met.
regret will be his friend until he sees her again
hope washes over him as he dreams of the day she walks back into his life
if only for one moment, only one brief moment so he can tell her how he truly feels.
*this has been in my head cause of the rain in california. it is sooo beautiful out here! it's cold, wet, and gorges! hope you all are having a wonderful night! and if you read this tomorrow... then i hope you have a fantabulous monday!!!!
