you know... i learn something new everyday. i see life and i see beauty. i strive to make my life what *I* think it should be.. not what everyone else would want. i am learning more and more how much you can apply that to. one day, a while back, it clicked that i needed to figure out my own idea of success. i need to see what i truly wanted in life. what would make me happy. i began to paint a beautiful -yet simple- image in my  head as to what precisely that entailed. and you know, it changes. i am human and i have the right to make new goals and to see new things that will please me in my life. knowing that and understanding that it is ok to change those ideals.. my very own ideals... has helped me out so much! as i walked around my house i began to see clutter. i saw what some may see as a mess. i began to feel the weight of guilt. weight that i realized was self imposed! so what if my house is a little messy! so what if  i don't find it important! at this time in my life, i have so much to focus on, so much to do, that i can find a million better things to do then to scrub my floors!!! it was such a release for me to see this! i no longer felt like a *slob*. i felt like this is my place. i don't have many visitors, and maybe if i did i'd feel different! lol! no i probably wouldn't. ha! i also realized that just because i was raised in a clean orderly house, doesn't mean that's how mine has to be. i am a single working woman! i live alone. i don't have a maid and i work loonnng hard hours. it is totally understandable that the place will get messy. i am finding that taking care of me- i.e. taking walks, doing yoga, playing with the dogs, seeing friends, etc is a very important part of keeping my sanity! of coarse i don't mean that i should let the place rot just cause i need to meditate! lol! i just mean that i should let go of my guilt if i can't do it today. :) i also am realizing that comparisons are what have haunted me most of my life. feeling the need to be *better* *smarter* *faster* then someone has caused me to beat up on myself horribly! i never once felt that i was truly better then anyone... but i would be weighed down by guilt if i f**ked up. i would think how could I mess up?? once i decided to let go of comparisons my life became so much better. so much more peaceful and happy. i also decided to let go of my martyr flag! lol! i no longer would do something... usually to myself... just to prove a point! but i realized that this goes much deeper then i thought. growing up my parents would always not trust me with something that was important. they would say, *don't have alysia do it, she'll mess it up. don't give her that kind of responsibility.* i heard it all my life! when my sister got married, she asked my mom if she thought i'd like to be the maid of honor.. my mom said *no it's just to much responsibility. i really don't think she'd like to do it.* and literally, just yesterday it hit me. i have been proving them right all my life! i joke that i'm not good with money.. but i really am not. now i know why! i've allowed myself to believe that i can not deal with money. that i will never be able to handle responsibility. i've always been like that little kid who is being taught how to rid their bike. you know how it goes.. mom/dad holds the bike seat and runs next to the kid. kid says i can only do it if you are holding me. mom/dad says yes you can, because i'm not holding your seat now! kid screams and falls! lol! that's me! i would be fine, things would be working then someone would tell me that i am succeeding and i would implode! i would hit the self destruct button and have to start over again! you know, in an attempt to be sweet, my dad said something that was quite jarring to me. he said "you know, while you guys {my bro sis and i} were growing up. i always thought that nothing special would happen in your life. i knew that your brother and sister would do well, but i just didn't see that for you. you never exceeded in school and you never tried for much. so i always thought you wouldn't do well in life. but look at you! i am so proud of you. you proved me wrong. you are making something of yourself. you have your own business. you are your own boss. that is something! that is amazing." once again... comparisons have done me in. lol! as he was saying all of this i couldn't help but think *you never thought i would succeed?!? you always thought that they would do much better?* it stung. even though he was saying something very nice.. it stung. i was the *happy go lucky* child. the kid who could always make her family smile.. the kid who was doomed to flip burgers for the rest of her life at mcdonalds! it did hurt, but something has changed in me. it bothered me a bit. but i also realized that his idea of success may be totally different than mine. i don't care about monetary stuff. i am the happy go lucky child. i care about happiness. i know that big screen tvs, nice cars, expensive cloths don't make you happy. what makes you happy is... well... whatever makes you happy! it is totally up to you. what all that other stuff does is make you in debt! lol! and last time i checked, that's not happy!

so i am ready to forgive myself for all my past f**k ups. i am ready to change my habits that have proven them right! i am ready to become the successful person i want to be. why??? cause it's my life!! it's about time for me to live it. ;) thanx for taking this journey with me. i feel so much better! :D

bountiful blessings of love, light, and pure happiness to you all! may you have a day full of it! and may your life be full of these moments!!! (((hugs))) 'n' &hearts~ alysia