ahhhh... life.... full of obstacles, fear, heartbreak, and most importantly... love, peace, and beauty!! *sigh* as i said last night, a sense of full awareness of self has washed over me. it's like my prior marriage to  myself has finally sunk in! {**for my newer friends: i decided to marry myself a few months back. i wear a ring on my right hand as a reminder that i am betrothed to me! i tend to think of others WAY more then myself. i am beyond giving. i would go starving for someone, who merely wanted more food. but that's in the past. oh, i also had a funeral for my old self. yes. i'm crazy, i know! lol!} for a while now i have been dancing the same dance. a waltz of worry and sadness. a blinding dance that renders the very senses useless! i was back to just going through the motions. i was here, but not really. i had moments of life. moments of true joy. but only moments. it hit me one day, that i really really don't want to live my life dancing this waltz. i don't want to be constantly worried about money, other people, and the unavoidable! sh*t happens! i would have lucid moments where i would see the *light*. i would say, hey i have a beautiful home, wonderful dogs, family life could be better.. but really, who's couldn't! lol! and i have my own business! hello, that's pretty damn cool! lol! those would be my moments of clarity, but sadly only moments. then i would fall back into, as poe puts it, melancholy.  i began to realize that i was living my life for others. that yes, i want to help, i want to heal, i want to be there for people.. i truly care! i just was going at it the wrong way! i began to see a pattern emerging in regards to my friends. they all expected me to give, give, give... and they need not barely give me a smile in return. selfish patterns began to show. i was drained, sad, and hurt. this realization came in conjunction to my cousin getting injured. i was even doing this *giving* thing magically. when i first found out about justin i would send energy galore.  when i started to hate life and had no energy of my own i realized something was wrong. cererbus pointed out that i need to take the energy from the universe not from myself! *duh* lol! this, i had realized applied to my life also...

so what to do with all of this??? learn, change somethings, and grow. :)  what i've began to do is this: i am studying healing. i just happened upon a great book at the store. it was in the sale rack. only $3.99. i feel that it was a sign from brighid and bran. they are saying that i need to properly learn how to help people. i don't think i will ever be a professional, but i think that it is so strong in me that i need to learn how to use it properly. i have also noticed that my tarot skills have strengthened since this *shift* occurred in myself. i feel like i can see clearer. i have even been able to see auras. kinda trippy really! i have also noticed this effect on animals. they like me even more now! kinda cool. ;) works wonders for my profession! lol! i also have been taking more me time out of my schedule.  and i have decided to let my friends just be. they are who they are, however.. i am not who i used to be. i will no longer drop everything to go do something with them. one thing that has upset me and really put this in motion is the way one of my friends in particular has no regard for my time at all. just yesterday i told her i wanted to go to the bookstore. i also said it would be cool to go see the dark night. but most importantly i wanted to go to the bookstore. {i needed another christopher moore book! lol!} she had to talk to some people before she could let me know for sure. so i said that i really wanted to go to the store, so why don't i just head out there now. then we can meet up later. she thought that was a smashing idea. well, she called me shortly after and said she may be able to go to the b.s. with me and that she would call me right back. i waited. called clients. watched the simpsons. so that would be about 45 mins gone by. oh, and not to mention the fact that i was STARVING!! so i texted her with *should i go to the bookstore? should i eat?*. she responded saying that she got into a huge argument with her mom and that she no longer wanted to eat or do anything. that she was way to upset! so, not only did she make me wait, but she didn't text me or anything to let me know this. I had to ask HER!  and really, did she have to get in a brew-ha-ha with her mom right then and there. couldn't she say, "i am going out with my friend. we can continue this later." i don't fight with people, so i don't know the *proper* etiquette for this situation. but i would think that your starving friend who wants food and book right now, really shouldn't be put on the back burner while you have *words* with the woman who birthed you!  so i resigned to take care of me.  that i will no longer let her dictate what my day will encompass! the same goes for all friends, because she isn't the only one i've got who needs to soak in a bottle of head and shoulders!! {get it?? they are flakes! ;) lol!}  i think i have been repeatedly pushed to a life of self reliance. if that is the path i must take, then so be it. i accept with an open heart. perhaps one day i will have someone in my life who will change my mind about all of this... but for now, i live my life for me! so you see, this works with the healing thing too. i was giving myself in that too. so once i learn the proper way to help i will no longer be feeling drained and used. i hold on to hope that me settling into myself will catapult me in the direction of my soul mate. only time will tell.... i have to say though, that senior tattoo has been sending me signals lately! lol! i keep seeing his first and last name in random places! i hear songs that remind me of him. i will have clear image of him out of the blue. *sigh* time... it will tell.

alright kids! off i go to eat, drink, and check in on ya! ooo and i need to do my morning yoga and divine love-fest!  good think i don't work until 2!! lol! ((((hugs)))) ~alysia~